Ninian Smart’s Pants!

Peace, one and all…

It’s exam marking time once again!  Hurrah!  As such, I wanted to share this jewel with you…

‘…as we can see from the theory of the Dimensions of Religion found in Ninian Smart’s pants’!

Ooh err missus!

Previous exam-related fun: More Bloopers; Amusing Exam Error

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Name the Four Seasons

Peace, one and all…

And now for some humour…!  I received this in an e-mail from a friend recently and wanted to share it.

Children’s Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. 
  
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. 
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed? 
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 
  
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. 
  
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids? 
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 
  
Q: What happens to your body as you age? 
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
  
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 
  
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A: Premature death. 
  
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g., abdomen)?
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and; the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. 
  
Q: What is the fibula? 
A: A small lie. 
  
Q: What does “varicose” mean? 
A: Nearby. 
  
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.” 
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean? 
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman 

Exams Approach

Peace, one and all…

In today’s lecture, we were looking at exam preparation and revision.  So I was quite amused to find the funny cartoon above (hat tip to Half a Cup of Chai). 

A lesson to anyone who teaches!

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

A Funny Mistake

Peace, one and all…

As regular readers may know, one of my most recent endeavours has been learning to drum.  I’ve long enjoyed listening to drum rhythms, and as my parents will attest, tapping is one of my least attractive habits!

Al hamdu lillah, some friends of mine (on a recent trip from Turkey) were kind enough to buy me a daf.  So, as you might expect, I’ve been playing it alot.  It’s very relaxing (though perhaps only to me)!

At any rate, shortly before my friends arrived, I was using my brother-in-law’s drum and generally enjoying myself when I said, ‘Someone buy me a drum’.  My daughter, who was nearby (and quite taken with the whole drumming thing I might add), attempted to copy me.  However, she got the words slightly confused, managing to blurt out, ‘Someone dry me a bum’ at a most inappropriate (and extremely funny) moment!

O the joy of children!  Ma sha Allah.

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

A Thinking Bird

Peace, one and all…

 

I wanted to post a really amusing story from our worthy brother Lulando over at Mullah Nasruddin.  You can find the original post here.  I’m tipping my hat as I type.

Enjoy…

A Thinking Bird

One day, Mulla was in the market and saw birds for sale at 500 reals each.

“My bird” he thought “which is larger than any of these, is worth far more.”

The next day he took his pet Hen to market. Nobody would offer him more than 50 reals for it. The Mulla began to shout:
“O people! This is a disgrace! Yesterday you were selling birds only half this size at ten times the price.”

Someone interrupted him.

“Nasrudin, those were parrots – talking birds. They were worth more because they talk.”

“Fool!” said Nasrudin “those birds you value only because they can talk. This one, which has wonderful thoughts and yet does not annoy people with chatter, you reject.”

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Bad Weather UK: It’s Snow Joke!

Peace, one and all…

Firstly, I apologise for the really bad joke in the title (couldn’t resist it).  Secondly, snow has arrived in the UK and, as usual, chaos has also arrived!  Again, as usual, it’s particularly bad in Wales.  This link takes you to the Local Council’s home page.

Merthyr Tydfil (the South Wales town in which I live) is currently cut off from the rest of civilisation!  This is because we’re on high ground here (between 900 and 1,200 feet above sea level).  I couldn’t get to work today as the roads were blocked and there were problems with the train services.  Local schools were closed too.  All this wintery chaos has also meant that myself, my brother in law and my children were able to play in the snow this morning (using the poor excuse of wanting to clear our path).  So, all in all, an unexpected day off with my children and a chance for us all to play in the snow.  My wife (who’s 6 months pregnant) refused to come and join our jolly japes, which was probably a good thing as I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to resist pelting her with snowballs.  Al hamdu lillahi ala kulli hal.

Whilst we’re on the subject of Merthyr, there was an excellent documentary on the BBC recently.  I even let my children stay up a little later than usual to watch it (as I want them to learn about the town they’re growing up in).  For those unfamiliar with the area, Merthyr was one of the most important centres of the industrial revolution, and was one of the original homes of UK socialism in the 19th century (as the hanging of Dic Penderyn testifies).  More recently, the town has begun to emerge from the unemployment nightmare that the destruction of the UK coal mining industry in the ’80s caused.

The BBC documentary was also interesting because it featured the Islamic anthropologist Merryl Wyn Davies, who was born (and apparently still lives) in the area.  You learn something new everyday!

Anyway, to close this rather wandering post, here are some photographs from this morning’s fun and games.  Enjoy:

Picture 1: our snowman
Picture 2: our snowman and my brother in law’s skittle
Picture 3: standing outside my front door this morning
Picture 4: my brother in law himself.
Picture 5: me and the kids building our snowman
Picture 6: Sakinah and her snowman
Picture 7: Round 1 to Sakinah!
Picture 8: Yusaf the Snow Angel!

     

     

 

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

5 Things About Me

Peace, one and all…

Given the recent spate of tagging, I thought I’d contribute with a bit of self-tagging (hopefully, not the sort that can send you blind)!  At any rate, here are 5 things about me that are not widely known.

1. I’m a genuine, 100% authentic, born in the sound of Bow Bells (well, ahem … nearly) East End Cockney.  Although I’ve now lost the accent (after living away from London for the best part of a decade), I’m from the East End of London (Hackney to be exact).  I grew up on the Clapton Park Estate (here’s some history), which is in the urban heart of Hackney. 

That means I can ‘eff and jeff with the best of ‘em, and I know my Cockney Rhyming Slang:  Cor Blimey Guv’nor!  Strike a light!  Apples ‘n Pears!  Dog ‘n Bone!  (That’s quite enough of that)!

2. I come from a very large extended family.  My mother was 1 of 12 children!  This means that I have almost one hundred closely related maternal relatives.  My father’s family is much smaller, but still reasonably large.  Our summer holiday last year was spent amidst some 40-odd relatives!  My father’s family are all native Hackney-ites, whilst my mother’s family come from North London, Tottenham to be exact.  I’m putting a family history together (very, very lazily) and my family’s size make it a herculean task.  

Football was a large part of my family ‘culture’ growing up.  My extended maternal family are all supporters of Tottenham Hotspurs FC (a Premier League team, for those unfamiliar).  As I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to wear red and white (the colours of our local arch rivals, Arsenal) to my nan’s house, as my uncles would have a go at me.  Nowadays though, this has faded to a kind of armchair support for Spurs.

3. I’m a big music lover.  Though I play no musical instruments, in a previous incarnation I was a DJ.  I still own several thousand records (most of which need to go to the local charity shop, it’s true).  I used to play a lot of parties, etc all over East London and Essex in the early to mid-90s.  My musical tastes are mostly soul, jazz, rap, funk, reggae, rock, etc.  Music was actually a big influence in my Islam, through listening to hip hop groups like Public Enemy, Brand Nubians, etc.

4. When I’m not reading, writing, working, looking after my 2 (soon to be 3) children, my favourite pastime is cooking.  I love cooking (mostly because I love eating)!  My favourites include Indian (given that my wife is Asian, this is our staple food; dal chawal anyone?), Italian, Chinese, African (I particularly enjoy Nigerian food) and just about anything else.

5. I was married in a Nigerian masjid in South London (the Nigerian Muslim Community masjid on the Old Kent Road) by Professer Shaykh Dawud Noibi (may God preserve him).  This has to be one of the liveliest and friendliest masajid I’ve ever had the good fortune to enter.  When they say amin, they literally raise the roof!  As it’s now (unfortunately) too far off the beaten track for me, I rarely get to visit.  I still remember it with fondness though (hence my love of Jolof rice).

Well that’s all folks…

I suppose I should tag someone, so how about our worthy brother Sadiq Ibn Ziad, of  Qisas fame?  Here’s another link to his blog.

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Lack of Presence is Bad for the Health!

Peace, one and all…

Lack of Presence can, it seems, be bad for your health! 

As I was cooking last night’s dinner, my mind was occupied with all the mundane details of life.  Before I knew it I had cut my thumb quite badly.  Al hamdu lillahi ala kulli hal!  Accidents sometimes happen for a reason.  I need to concentrate upon the immediate task at hand. 

Priorities, in other words, are what it is all about.  We need to be Present in order to know when a given situation is dangerous.  I wonder how much this accounts for sin.  Is sin merely unthought-through action/desire?  If I was able to truly think through the consequences of my actions, then would I ever really sin?  Or, at least, would I sin knowingly?

Being Present, then, is the way forward.  The ability to live fully in each moment, to be there in each moment, is what I’m looking for.  Presence, as a descriptive label, feels right to me for several reasons.  Firstly, becoming present suggests that I am already capable.  I couldn’t be Present if it was impossible.  Secondly, Presence suggests companionship.  That is, I am in the Presence of others and ultimately, I am ever-Present before the One (whether I realise that in each moment is a very different matter).  Thirdly, Presence makes me think of giving something, or presenting something.  I am struggling to Present my service and Love to God, my true Beloved.

Presence is thus a rich metaphor and metaphors help us find our way in this confused and confusing world.

Wa akhiru da’wana an il hamdu lillahi rabbil alameen…

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Witticisms…

Peace, one and all…

I found these witty remarks on the Deenport message boards this morning.  I thoroughly enjoyed reading them and so I thought I’d share them with you all.  Enjoy…

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill to Shaw, in response

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

If the Stairs are Occupied, Escape on the Donkey!

Peace, one and all…

…. STOP PRESS …. URGENT NEWS FLASH …. STOP PRESS …. URGENT NEWS FLASH ….

The Scottish Executive has issued new advice to the Urdu speaking peoples of Scotland regarding fire safety. Apparently, you should flee a burning building by lowering yourself onto a donkey!!!! I’ll have to make sure there’s one stationed beneath my office window in future!!

This one comes courtesy of a colleague at work and via the BBC (who claim it’s a printing error)!!!

If you ask me, they’re trying to make an ass out of us!!!!

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

The Rain in Spain…

Peace, one and all…

Here’s a little ditty that came to me on my way to work this morning. Though it appears to be about nothing in particular, thinking about creation helps me to think about the Creator. Anyway, with that excuse offered, enjoy…

‘The rain in Spain,
falls mainly,
on the plain;
except in Merthyr, where in the main,
it falls upon my misty window pane.
Or, and this is somewhat harder to explain,
it follows me as I catch my train.
Perhaps I should not write with such disdain,
for the rain, whether in Spain
or upon my Merthyr window pane,
comes from God just the same’

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Azhar Usman

Peace, one and all…

Wa salaam (my hat is tipping as I type) has given a link to a very amusing short video of the American Muslim comic Azhar Usman, in which he pretends to be an Indian TV presenter. The original link comes from Opinions of a Kashmiri Nomad (hats off again).

Well, as if it needed saying, racism cuts across all races.

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Too Old for Flyers…

Peace, one and all…

The year turns once more.  It’s late September and this year’s intake of new students will soon arrive.  I like this time of the year, as it reminds me of my own studies.  I know I’ll be very busy for the next couple of weeks, but busy is good (well, productive busy that is).

As such, the campus is full of newly arrived students, all madly attempting to find friends.  The local nightclubs, etc all have people on the streets handing out leaflets.  You know the sort of thing, I’m sure: ‘all you can drink for 50p’.  The flyers are all garishly coloured and all promote the latest alcohol promotion, or some such thing. 

Whenever anyone walks past these vendors, they get a fist-full of flyers shoved in their faces.  However, I’ve noticed that I don’t get offered these flyers any more.  This is a sign, I think.  A sign that I’m getting older; or, perhaps, a sign that others now consider me ‘past it’!!

Oh well…

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

Knowledge is Power?

Peace, one and all…

I’ve just come across this rather amusing video (courtesy of Body, Mind, Soul and Blog). Tony Blair is Linda Blair’s brother!!!! 10 Eiffel Towers!!!! Which state does Kentucky Fried Chicken come from?!!

Check it out!!!

Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman

The Auto Wudu Washer…!?!?!

Peace, one and all…I’ve just seen a rather amusing picture on the blogosphere: the Auto Wudu Washer. This little ditty comes courtesy of Rolled Up Trousers (a blog I’ve recently come across)

Apparently, it’s an Australian invention. I wonder if it’ll catch on? Will it reduce the irritating and faintly dangerous combination of marble floors and pools of water that adorn many of our mosque wudu areas?

Anyway, here it is…!

Ma’as salama,

Abdur Rahman