Peace, one and all…
I have always enjoyed swimming, though my busy life does not leave me with as much opportunity to swim as I probably need or would like. Although I have always enjoyed the feeling of being immersed in water, when I was younger I was always afraid to look towards the deep end of the pool whilst underwater. It just seemed so vast that I felt as though I was in danger of losing myself in its seeming infinitude. I would take a quick, furtive look and then rise swiftly to the surface, as though I needed the surface of the pool to remind me of who I was once again.
I used to get the same feeling whenever I looked up into the heavens. Although I have always loved the stars, a part of me felt utterly overwhelmed by (and not a little afraid of) the sheer magnitude of space. I felt so conscious of my own utter insignificance that my very sense of individuality seemed in some way compromised. These verses in the Quran encapsulate much of what I used to feel:
‘Who created the seven heavens one above another; you see no incongruity in the creation of the Beneficent Allah; then look again, can you see any disorder? Then turn back the eye again and again; your look shall ‘~ come back to you confused while it is fatigued’ (Surah al-Mulk 67:3-4, trans. Shakir)
Since falling over the threshold (quite literally in my case), I have at last realised that the vastness of water, and the magnitude of space, are no longer things to be feared. I guess I have accepted my own insignificance, on some inward level. I now realise that the ways in which I used to define myself as an individual do not, in truth, mark out anything like the real extent of a human being. That is, I used to define myself in very narrow terms. I now see that there is far more to being human than I had ever imagined, and beyond the last boundary of my humanity lies the vastness of the universe itself.
Perhaps what I’m really trying to say is that I am a world in my own right, floating in a universe that, in itself, is naught but a small pebble in the Beloved’s open hand. So why then should I fear looking towards the deep end? Why should a grain of sand fear the tender caress of the Deep Sea? Aren’t all things stirred by God and doesn’t the Sea return with each new tide to this hither shore?
Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman
June 8, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Space hasn’t scared me for some reason, but deep water has.
June 9, 2008 at 2:47 am
Waleykum assalaam,
As always, this is such a beautiful post. It is funny because I have the same experience with water – in fact, I was forced earlier this evening to the deep end of the pool because there was no space on the shallow end, and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. I’m capable of swimming in deep water but even when I know there is nothing underneath me it still scares me. And I know this is really an indication of a lot of the problems I have with things that are not quantifiable, or seem too overwhelming or vast to understand, both in a concrete and metaphoric sense. It’s terrifying, I think, for most people. I really admire your ability to overcome this and your understanding. Thank you for sharing.
In response to your comment on my blog – did you enjoy Kirin Narayan’s book also? I think it is really beautiful. I’m reading Solomon’s Ring at the moment for the same class (it is an intro class for S. Asian Religions which I’m just taking because it’s the only thing in my area offered over the summer, but I’ve really enjoyed the readings).
My studies, academically speaking, are centered around Buddhism, especially Tibetan Buddhism. I also study Sanskrit and Tibetan, and insha’Allah will be studying Chinese in graduate school and going to graduate school for Tibetan studies. By extension I study Tibetan history, culture, and art, as well as other forms of Buddhism. Because our Asian religions program here is really small, I’ve also taken a lot of classes in Hinduism and have developed an interest in it as well academically.
My Tibetan class actually is not a university course, it’s a study group (now long-distance video conference, although it was in person) with one of my professors’ wives, who is an amazing scholar in her own right. But our approach is really different than I’ve had with any other language because it’s very intuitive and based around the art of the language rather than getting everything down in a discursive, intellectual way. I also study Arabic long-distance now with a sister living in London I met through a friend, Alhamdulillah. So far I have just been learning the alphabet and a little bit of tajweed and Qur’an memorization, but I am really, really blessed with the opportunity masha’Allah. I’m also taking my first academic class on Islam in the fall – I was Buddhist when I first began studying Buddhism so the tensions and interactions between theology and religious studies are of interest to me, but I do not worry too much about it because I have always felt pretty comfortable reconciling it within myself. It does unfortunately make for convoluted politics in academia, which bothers me, but this is what I love to do, so insha’Allah I will be able to deal with it. I decided to study religion because I couldn’t stand the idea of spending so much time in a livelihood that I didn’t love, and I love studying religion in general, learning about Islam especially, but even learning about religions that I don’t practice. I also have always wanted to teach and I originally wanted to teach in public schools (English) but unfortunately that won’t be possible, but I really do look forward to teaching university one day insha’Allah as well as researching. If it already isn’t clear, my love of studying religion is seconded only by my love of talking about religion with people, LOL, so I think it fits.
I’m sorry that this is so long-winded! I hope that gives you a bit of a window into my studies. I’m always happy to answer questions or anything though
I was wondering, what kind of work do you do in the religion department?
Wa’salaam.
June 9, 2008 at 2:54 am
I caught up on all of your posts and each one touched my heart!
Such words as:
“I am a world in my own right, floating in a universe that”
Thank you for sharing your words with us.
Thank you for BEING!
You are a being of light my friend.
June 9, 2008 at 11:27 am
Salaams Otowi,
Deep water and space are both boundless (or at least they seem so to me as a tiny human being). I know exactly what you mean about deep water.
Abdur Rahman
June 9, 2008 at 11:28 am
Salaams Meghan,
Insha Allah, I am going to e-mail you directly shortly.
Abdur Rahman
June 9, 2008 at 11:32 am
Peace Gypsy-Heart,
Thank you for your kind thoughts. In all truth, I am unworthy, though deeply honoured by your compliments. God is the Light and I am merely a speck of dust.
Each human being is a world, an entire universe, of memories, associations, meanings and truths.
Blessed be…
Abdur Rahman
June 9, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Peace, Abdur
This is a very moving post. The sheer vastness of the unknown can be both frightening and beautiful.
I just remembered while reading this that it was after a near-drowning experience in the sea that Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) took the definitive turn on his spiritual path that led him to embrace Islam.
June 10, 2008 at 8:55 am
Peace Tess,
Thank you for stopping by. God bless you always. I’d forgotten about Yusuf Islam’s water story, but you’re right. Perhaps this is why many poets use the Ocean as a metaphor for the infinity of God?
Abdur Rahman
June 10, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Beautiful! And yeah, I think you’re a world within the world floating in the universe…maybe just as the world is what? 70% water and the rest dust…just as you are? And that you should feel one with all, because you are? While working in the yard with your father-n-law, did you feel the beeds of sweat roll down your face? Do you ever feel the moisture in the air? What happens to the car windows when they’re rolled up and everybody is ‘breathing’ the air? Hummmm, I love to read what you write…but as for being a world unto ourselves; we are all beautiful story books with a new slate to add each day, and it is within our power to use ‘reasoning’ as to what we will write in that book of our world for when the day comes and we have to give rendition for each thought we acted on and how.
smiles…
June 10, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Salaams Barbara,
Oh yes…now you’ve said it!
We are worlds, we are books, we are a field of stars…!
Allah!
Abdur Rahman