Peace, one and all…
When I speak, I use words to point the way towards what I am really trying to say. By themselves, the words are merely signposts. They describe terrain and suggest directions; by themselves, they are not those far hills and valleys of meaning.
I visit those gardens but rarely, always skirting around their borders. But, those gardens of rose and myrtle are the land I truly seek, those wide spaces beyond and behind the ‘I’ that uses words. In the very centre of that sacred land stands a temple, silent and majestic, where thought is as word and word is as meaning. Perhaps that blessed and radiant land lies beyond the next hill. Perhaps the road will last a while longer. I do not know.
Regardless of the distances involved, I will keep searching. I will keep walking the paths of this world of words until I am delivered and ‘I’ no longer remain.
Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman
What are the Roots of Domestic Violence?
January 22, 2008Peace, one and all…
These thoughts follow on from an earlier post on domestic violence. I had intended to post them earlier, but wasn’t able to get around to it till now.
Where does domestic violence come from? From what kinds of mindset and what kinds of outlooks does it emerge? What are its root causes? And how can we understand this phenomenon more fully, so that we can put an end to it?
I don’t have all the answers. But, such as they are, here are some of my feelings on this matter.
It strikes me that, amongst other things, domestic violence comes from an unchallenged assumption that women are responsible for the world’s troubles (whether on an individual or collective level). That is, it seems to come from an idea that makes women responsible in some way when things don’t go as they should. Or, looking at it another way, it seems to originate in an idea that life’s troubles are somehow external.
This lazy assumption, that makes women responsible for the state of the world, is thus taught to our children (whether passively or actively). Thus, boys often come away with the idea that when you have a problem you can take it out on the nearest female. Children often act instinctively and emotionally, and thus they fight amongst themselves from time to time. But, if children are not taught how to express and manage the more uncomfortable emotions of anger, then they will seek an outlet in other, sometimes violent, ways.
If left unchallenged, such assumptions can lead to all sorts of problems – particularly as a boy grows through his teenage years into young adulthood. A young man with the emotional ability of a young child can be a dangerous thing indeed. Such a man, when married/in a relationship, will sometimes continue to blame his partner for all of life’s ills, and may well turn to violence.
How can we begin challenging such behaviour? Well, this is a long-term issue and relates to the ways in which we raise our children. Within the Islamic tradition (which is often mis-labelled as misogynistic) we have a number of crucial resources at our disposal. That is, in my opinion, the best way to address is twofold: to teach young children (and boys in particular) how to manage and express their emotions in appropriate ways; and, to offer them positive role models to help and guide them.
The Prophet is, of course, the Islamic role model par excellance (alaihi al-salatu wa al-salam). This is why I strive to teach my children how the Prophet (alaihi al-salatu wa al-salam) sought to manage anger. When angry, we are instructed to seek refuge with God from the Devil. We are also told that, if necessary, we should sit down; or, even lie down, if necessary. Secondly, Islam seeks to inculcate a deep respect for the first female we all meet: our mothers.
There are numerous prophetic statements regarding the treatment of our mothers. Here is one such example (from Imam Bukhari’s Adab al-Mufrad):
‘…I asked the Messenger of Allah (alaihi al-salatu wa al-salam), towards whom should I be dutiful?’ He said, ‘Your mother’. I asked, ‘then towards whom?’ He replied, ‘Your mother’. Again, I asked, ‘Then towards whom?’ He answered, ‘Your mother’. I said, ‘The towards whom should I be dutiful?’ He said, ‘Your father, and then the next nearest relative and then the next nearest’ (no.3)
This is a famous hadith and for me underlines the importance of the mother (again, the first woman a boy meets). It is, therefore, absolutely crucial that this relationship is oriented correctly. There are, of course, many more such traditions; there are also a number of related Quranic verses. At any rate, the point is clear: be mindful of how you express and manage difficult emotions and remember, women are not responsible for the ills of the world.
And my last prayer is in praise of God, Sustainer of All Being.
Related post: Mere Islam: Motherhood and the Ideal of Filial Piety by Gibril Haddad
Image credit: Paivi Hintsanen
Ma’as salama,
Abdur Rahman
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